The Dumber They Are the Better

  

These are easy things to do and not to do, clearly things I have not mastered: Be Dumb. 

If you want to keep your job DO NOT do the following:

* Make Suggestions: Never try to improve on ___ (fill in the blank with any thing you've ever worked on for your boss, i.e., project, report, etc.).

* Come in Early or Stay Late: If your boss does not  know you're doing this don't bother. If you try to claim overtime they will say you are too slow and be told to get things done during work hours.

* Become Friends with Co-Workers. They can often be your greatest liability: they talk.

* Be Enthusiastic: You will get more work dumped on you, and thus, kill your spirit. 

* Seek Advancement: Your boss and everyone else will see this as a threat.

* Dress Better Than Your Boss: Should someone mistake you for the boss, you will surely get the passive aggressive comments and people will spread rumors that you make too much money.*

* Fix the Copier: If you fix any friggin machine in the office, everyone, and I mean everyone, will expect you to continue in this role and when you refuse to, you will be reprimanded.

* Be Smart: If you reveal that you actually can think independently, quickly, and coherently, then you will be threat #1 to your boss. Your insecure boss will try to destroy you by any means necessary.

A word to the wise: say stupid, complacent, mute, and best of all be a "lifer". Someone who pushes the papers, turns in their mediocre but acceptable work, and never asks questions.

*N.B., If you dress better than your boss, because your boss dresses Off-the-Rack-KMart, they will periodically bitch slap you with passive aggressive comments that you know will only lead to a reprimand down the line. And if you dress really well, this reprimand will show up in your annual evaluation.